So being abroad has allowed me to rethink a lot of the things in life. Well, maybe being in another country didn't make me come up with these revolutions but whatever, I'm coming up with them now. The thing is I'm finding myself to be depressed quite often. I guess it's because I'm quite heartbroken. Let's just say before coming here I fell in love with someone yet it wasn't fully requited. We did date, but she asked if we could put our relationship on hold, at least until we're done with our respective Master's degrees. In other words, we're pretty much broken up. The thing is I really do feel like I'm in love with her, and I did tell her this before we crossed the pond. Frankly, she says that she didn't want to be in the way of me pursuing someone else while I'm here. Why would I want to pursue someone else, when I had everything, all that I wanted?
The truth is I really haven't been able to feel anything for anyone else since. The problem is the whole concept of love. Frankly, I may just love too much. But in the end is that really a bad thing? For me I guess it can be. The thing is, when I fall for someone I tend to fall hard. I put myself out on the line each time. Each time it has ended in heart break for me anyway. I guess it's because I'm also too emotional. I wish I could control this but it's just too hard.
The only thing preventing me from thinking such sad thoughts is my work. However, my work is only a temporary fix. The problem is, forensic archaeology requires me to see and read quite devastating stuff - mutilated bodies, mass graves, genocide, etc. This only sends me down another spiral of depression (albeit one that's a bit easier to handle). Plus, I shouldn't be a recluse just stooped in my room all day everyday. But that's the thing. I'm cooped up in this so-called "studio-apartment." In other words, most of the time I'm isolated, all alone. My mom thought that this would be a good thing for me, allowing me to concentrate on my work. the problem is it just leaves me alone with only my thoughts, which usually go toward the worst lately. Then again my mom never really understood me anyway, but that's another story.
Yes I've made a few friends here, but nobody that I can really talk to. I miss having roommates around, and be able to have conversations hours on end about anything. Now, I'm feeling sad over missing my friends. Jeez it's a never ending cycle!
The thing is, I just feel people nowadays are afraid to love. They're afraid of the potential for heartbreaks, so they would rather avoid or end things early. Or maybe I'm just stupid enough to actually put things on the line and I have only myself to blame for being depressed all the time? Well at least I'm the one doing it! I'm putting myself on the line so others won't have to I guess (that really didn't make much sense). I just wish that it didn't end with the same result each time. But then again this is the first time, it's lasted this long...
I read some wisdom some time ago that said, "Hearts can be broken, but they can also be fixed." I really like that saying, but the problem is I feel i've broken mine so much it's beginning to void the warranty :) sorry bad joke. Maybe I fell into the whole romantic idea of love and really have no idea what love really is? I'll figure it out sooner or later...
Whatever. I should really get back to work...
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