Friends, my extended family

This post is probably going to be short, but I feel need to be posted. Then again I don't really plan out the posts on this blog like I do my papers. Often these posts are just thoughts and musings that come semi-spontaneously and randomly. I guess I have a need to be somewhat pretentious and write (type?) it for everyone to read. Of course, since only like 6 people read this blog, I'm really not being pretentious. Who am I kidding? there's probably more like 2 people reading this blog. Maybe I should dedicate a whole post about this matter. Yeah, think about it...

But anyhoo, I should really get on to the real subject matter of this blog... As you faithful :) readers may know, fairly recently I lost a good friend. As mentioned in the previous post, my friend Cole showed me that life was worth living. Furthermore, I also mentioned that he was not only a good friend but my brother. Essentially, I come to realize that my friends have essentially become a part of my family. I know sounds cliched but people say it but never really dealve into the matter.

People often say that you should be able to tell family anything and everything that goes on in your life. That's complete bupkis. well not really. I'll be one to admit that there are many things that I will not tell my family. I guess in a way it's a self-preservation technique, but in a way it's a way of protecting my family. I guess in a way I don't reveal some stuff to my family because I don't want them to see me as "weak" (maybe not weak, but let's use weak for lack of a better word - I will let myself be vulnerable with my family). However, some of the stuff I can't tell my family I will tell some of my friends (of course some level of trust needs to be met). And in turn I won't tell them some stuff, I'll tell my family for the same reasons. So if the whole idea of being able to tell your family anthing, I guess then my family will have to include some of my closest friends.

The problem with living abroad is that you have very minimal contact with your own family if any at all. Luckily, my brother is studying in the same country as I am. So I do get to see him every once in a while even though he can drive me nuts. So really, in a way I needed a kind of surrogate family - luckily I have found a group of friends that can help fulfill that role. So recently with the loss of a friend and brother, I have come to realize that I have gained more family members throughout my life. Now, I have come to realize that much of what I wrote here is contradictory and cliched. But isn't that what life supposed to be filled with them? Yeah, think about it...

Losing A Friend

Lisa: How come it won't stop hurting?

Marge: Oh, Lisa. it's normal to be sad when a friend dies... but nobody is really gone as long as we remember them.

So yesterday a good friend and brother, Cole, died after a long battle with cancer. The news came to me as a shock and has put me in quite a down mood. The thing is, he was the person that made me realize that life is worth living. During my last year of high school and first year of college, I went through a bout of depression sometimes with thoughts of suicide. The thing was I kept it mostly to myself, so most people would not have noticed this depression. A few friends did notice this bout of depression. In college, Cole was the one who helped me greatly through such tough times. He helped me realize that life is worth living...

The thing is, my graduate school education deals with most entirely about death and yet we are not taught how to deal with the death of those close to us. But how should we deal with the death of someone so close? Really, we don't know unless it happens to us... Unfortunately, it seems that society doesn't want us to really grieve. After getting the news, I called family for support. Essentially, the advice I was given is to be "strong." While nobody wants a family member to suffer such a loss, I find that the advice to be "strong" to be quite bad advice. In our society, being "strong" requires that emotions are not to be shown. Essentially, sadness and grief seem to be signs of weakness.

You cannot force somebody to be strong. Really, the grieving person should be allowed to be as emotional as he/she wants. Being strong requires that these emotions are to be internalized. In my opinion (and I'm not expert on the subject, this is advice from experience), holding in such emotions can be quite detrimental. I believe that a person should be able naturally go through a grieving cycle without any pressure or stress - the stress from the loss is overwhelming as it is. Trying to be strong only adds more stress.

So in a sense, I would say if someone were to suffer a loss, he/she should be as weak as he/she wants to be; they will be vulnerable and will want company. It is not time for them to be strong, it is time for you to be strong for them...

On another note, I never did tell how much Cole made a difference in my life. I'm going to sound cliched here but please let those you love and care for how much you love them, you may miss your chance.

And with that I just wanted to say, Rest in peace, Cole. You will be greatly missed.