Losing A Friend

Lisa: How come it won't stop hurting?

Marge: Oh, Lisa. it's normal to be sad when a friend dies... but nobody is really gone as long as we remember them.

So yesterday a good friend and brother, Cole, died after a long battle with cancer. The news came to me as a shock and has put me in quite a down mood. The thing is, he was the person that made me realize that life is worth living. During my last year of high school and first year of college, I went through a bout of depression sometimes with thoughts of suicide. The thing was I kept it mostly to myself, so most people would not have noticed this depression. A few friends did notice this bout of depression. In college, Cole was the one who helped me greatly through such tough times. He helped me realize that life is worth living...

The thing is, my graduate school education deals with most entirely about death and yet we are not taught how to deal with the death of those close to us. But how should we deal with the death of someone so close? Really, we don't know unless it happens to us... Unfortunately, it seems that society doesn't want us to really grieve. After getting the news, I called family for support. Essentially, the advice I was given is to be "strong." While nobody wants a family member to suffer such a loss, I find that the advice to be "strong" to be quite bad advice. In our society, being "strong" requires that emotions are not to be shown. Essentially, sadness and grief seem to be signs of weakness.

You cannot force somebody to be strong. Really, the grieving person should be allowed to be as emotional as he/she wants. Being strong requires that these emotions are to be internalized. In my opinion (and I'm not expert on the subject, this is advice from experience), holding in such emotions can be quite detrimental. I believe that a person should be able naturally go through a grieving cycle without any pressure or stress - the stress from the loss is overwhelming as it is. Trying to be strong only adds more stress.

So in a sense, I would say if someone were to suffer a loss, he/she should be as weak as he/she wants to be; they will be vulnerable and will want company. It is not time for them to be strong, it is time for you to be strong for them...

On another note, I never did tell how much Cole made a difference in my life. I'm going to sound cliched here but please let those you love and care for how much you love them, you may miss your chance.

And with that I just wanted to say, Rest in peace, Cole. You will be greatly missed.